I’m back from travelling to Leipzig and Berlin. Having to wear a face mask that often was my least favorite part of it, I can hardly breathe in those. I’m glad I don’t need that anymore, spending most of my time alone, again.
🤔 What I’ve been Thinking Of
It’s strange – I have a terrible recollection of my past.
It took me a while to realize this, but I now know that the vast majority of people don’t experience life like this (making it yet another item on the ever growing list of “Why I’m a weirdo”).
I don’t really remember where I was at what time and what I did. I’m not even talking about my early childhood of which I remember around a handful of blurry moments. If you ask me what I did in the summer of 2018, my mind goes blank. I’d have to reverse engineer where I even lived and what I might have been doing. It’s similar for vacations. If anything, I will come up with a very spotty recollection, maybe remembering one city name and one memorable place, but won’t know the sequence of events or the locations. It’ll feel like trying to remember a dream after waking up. Past memories seem to fuse into foggy fragments of a story.
Is it even my story? Sometimes I’m not really sure. It’s crazy that people who are close to me will know my own life better than myself and I’ll need to ask them to fill me in on the details.
I don’t really reminisce about my past, maybe that’s why I forget it so quickly. Don’t ask me why, but my past seems to be buried somewhere in the back of my mind, and digging around in it doesn’t feel all that good. So I avoid it.
Is it the early onset of Alzheimer? (Yes, that’s where my anxious mind goes:) Probably not. Hopefully not, that would suck, even though I will probably eventually get it, looking at how my grandparents died.
What’s more likely is that it’s the outcome of a very scattered brain that constantly daydreams and analyzes plans and scenarios for the future, 99% of which will never come true. My default state is being lost in the abstract, trying to make sense of the bigger picture and looking for patterns. I really don’t see the trees for all the forest. I could tell you more details on how my abstract life philosophy changed throughout the years as opposed to what I actually experienced in the real world.
Which memories stick in my mind seems to be quite random: Scenes from a video game. Driving in Norway. That walk through the forest. And the negative stuff, that seems to stick pretty well.
Can this be changed? I’d probably remember more if I kept a diary of what happened every day. But it wouldn’t really change how I experience life.
And I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t read the diary ever again.
Realizing just how strangely my brain operates was a bit scary, I gotta admit. What if most people live in a completely different reality to mine? What if most people are, let’s say, twice as happy as me on a day to day basis, living more “chronologically” and being present with what happens? Who knows, really.
Maybe you can relate. Or you can’t. Or your mind is “weird” in another way.
I think what’s most important in all of this is just how different our realities can look like, based on how our brains operate. If people understood this, I’m pretty sure that they would have more empathy for people who struggle with mental health and struggle to “live a normal life”.
The only recommendation for people with strange brains like mine’s is: Make the best of life with the cards you’ve been dealt.
If you’re the abstract stuck-in-your-head-type, do stuff every day that grounds you into your body, like breating, walking and working out.
And don’t take life too seriously – I love to make fun of my own neurotic thoughts.