🤔 What I’ve been thinking about
This week wasn’t great for me.
My mind analyzed my life (I didn’t ask for that), and came to the conclusion that I’m too weird, I will always be alone and dissatisfied and nobody will ever love me the way I am.
There’s certainly some evidence that would suggest that I’m a weirdo and not normal at all: I don’t really look forward to the lockdown ending. I don’t want to travel for summer or do any of the “fun things” most people enjoy. The longer I isolate myself, the less I want to talk to friends and family, it seems. I live in an abstract world, I don’t really know what’s going on in my life because I’m constantly planning and predicting what will be in 5 months or 5 years. And my redictions and pattern recognition seem to be pretty accurate, for the most part, which doesn’t make it better. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I’m actually living and that it’s not all some kind of psychedelic dream or an alien simulation (or is it?:)
And there’s so much more that makes me feel like I’m different to everybody else. It doesn’t make sense, I don’t make sense. I’m a useless unicorn. Like a medieval knight with an axe, beamed into the Star Wars universe with Jedis and lasers everywhere.
I don’t know, maybe there’s a small narcissistic part in me that enjoys this feeling of victimhood and gets off on my “otherness” – this makes me a bit special, right? But honestly, I never asked to be special. I’d take being a normal, well-functioning average Joe any day over whatever this is.
If I allow it, my mind will focus more and more on my “otherness”. My subconscious (or my “RES”) will search for proof that I’m abnormal, and find it everywhere.
The danger is that focusing on this “otherness” not only feels shitty – it makes me cynical, it makes me give up on life. Why try to find love if nobody can truly love who I am? Why work my ass off if the work feels empty and buying stuff is not appealing to me? Why call my mom today if I already know what she’s going to say and how she’s disappointed in me? Why try to stay in touch with friends and family if they will never get me? Why even live in a world that doesn’t feel like I belong here?
Not only that, overemphasizing our “otherness” robs us of empathy and love. That’s how racism and wars start: thinking this other group is SO different that we become blind to their humanity. How much easier is it to hurt someone who we apparently have nothing in common with? It’s how sociopathic, self-absorbed school shooters and psychos think, and it sucks!
Here’s what I had to force myself to accept (and maybe I need someone to whack me on the head from time to time so I don’t forget it): I’m not that different. My mind plays a trick on me, for whatever reason, but I’m not all alone in this. We all have our struggles.
Sure, statistically speaking it’s pretty rare to have a mind that is cynically overthinking everything to THAT extent. My personality type is one of the rarest, apparently (where’s the trophy for my specialness?:)
But that’s not the point: We all have problems. We all suffer. That’s what unites us. Why else have billions of humans chosen to idolize a guy who was tortured and nailed to a cross? It’s not fair, he did good! Life’s not fair.
And yeah, our problems might look different: For some it’s a co-dependent, abusive relationship. For some it’s just being born in a shitty family or a really poor country, or both, which obviously sucks. For others it’s another form of mental or physical illness. But now that I think of it, most of our suffering isn’t that different, it’s pretty universal in its essence. Some have it easier than others, sure. Some were really dealt amazing cards, they had cool and loving parents, they’re attractive and they have normal brains. But whatever, maybe they’ll get run over by a car tomorrow. Being resentful and jealous is pointless.
Thinking I’m the unique unicorn with the “weirdest brain of them all” is delusional. There are other people with thinking patterns like mine, if I look closely. Suffering in a group feels much better than suffering alone. And even if I have the weirdest, unhealthiest brain of them all: I won’t get a Guiness World Record for that. I should make the best of it. I should get my ass up and help someone who struggles, too.
😴 What helped me find calm this week
Unintentional ASMR Picks:
- Physicist Samuel Ting, who received a Nobel Prize for the discovery of the subatomic J/ψ particle, was being interviewed. Turns out he has an amazingly relaxing voice with a sweet Asian accent
- This Japanese Woodworker makes a beautiful cabin – everything is handmade!
- I made a really long (5,5hr) French math class compilation (I enjoyed the chalkboard writing and explanations, even though I don’t get the math)
- A somewhat odd guy browsing through magazines. The page turning sounds and relaxing voice are nice!
- This remarkably relaxing Counterstrike tutorial on Dust 2 (it’s on how to use smoke grenades)
Intentional ASMR Picks:
- I love flight attendant roleplays, and this recent first class roleplay by SophieMichelle was excellent (I’d love to be on that flight:). Scottish Murmurs made a nice one, too
- No wonder that this (no talking) Barbershop shaving video by Freds Voice has been really popular – these raw, fast and intense triggers (especially the squishy shaving foam) are amazing!
- Myaling ASMR (a South Korean channel) made this beautiful gentle hand massage & nail care video. It’s thorough and visually beautiful
- Another great South Korean channel is VeTiVeR which specializes on shoe restoration, like this Reebok Sneaker restoration
- I made a (hopefully satisfying) ASMR video where I cleaned a very dirty mechanical keyboard (I removed the keys, used a streange cleaning slime and wiped the thing for about 1,5 hours:)
💎 Hidden Gem ASMR Channel:
Again, I’ve added these to my ASMR Favorites Playlist.
💜 What I’ve enjoyed
Me and my buddy tried the tower defense game Hypercharge Unboxed (which is pretty cool because you play a toy soldier and “defend” against other iconic 90s toys like beyblades or those green plastic soldiers and tanks).
It was a bit unbalanced and unpolished, though, so I had the idea to go back to Orcs Must Die 2 which I had played in Single Player many years ago. We had a blast, it’s one of the most fun and addicting games to play in co-op!